Damaged Goods
by ichkak
Summary: Ichigo rebounds from one relationship to another just hoping for once not to get hurt again. Thanks to wonderful Will Younge for inspiration and several chunks of dialogue. Yaoi
1. Disconnected

Damaged Goods

Ichigo + Ishida

Disconnected...

Ichigo sighed as he signed the last piece of paper on his desk. Paperwork was as boring as Renji always said it was. Ichigo sighed for the want of a fight with real purpose and motivation, but since the winter war was won five years ago, nothing of note had happened.

Well, maybe an unexpected car crash that took the lives of father and son should be mentioned.

On a whim, Isshin had decided to collect the girls from school one rainy afternoon. Ichigo was a bit surprised to find his father pulling up alongside him as he walked home from Uni, but who was he to complain with rain dripping down his collar?

They'd needed some fresh salad – the reason for the whim – and pulled up at some red lights just before the supermarket turning. The rain had become fierce, so much so, Isshin could barely see out of the windscreen and the car behind, travelling at speed, hadn't seen them either. It ploughed into the back of their car forcing them forward into the oncoming traffic and under a huge articulated lorry turning to make deliveries to the store.

Ichigo rubbed his shoulder and rotated his neck; in his real body, the crash may have partially severed his head, but his soul had kept the ache and a deep scar that ran almost all the way around his neck. The slight raised red jagged line stopped short three inches on the left side of his neck but otherwise sat like a badge of honour clearly visible in the V of his shinigami robes.

"Kurosaki Fukutaichou I hear you have a special birthday today?"

"Huh?" Ichigo looked up at Hitsugaya standing with a pile of more paperwork for him. "Rukia not doing your running around for you?"

"No, I am still enjoying the fact that I have a Fukutaichou... that can actually do the job!" The short captain retorted. Ichigo ignored the moment of morose remembrance for Matsumoto who died in the early battles. "I wanted these messages sent to the General." He thrust the paperwork into Ichigo's chest. Ichigo worked now in the 5th running messages around all the divisions and training his men with the help of his captain so that they had the strength and stamina to run between battles. Often their runners would get targeted by enemies knowing they held vital information that was useful, so they had to be the best to deal with any form of attack launched at them. It seemed they needed to apply their skills in the current climate, for example, when delivering budget allocations annually as one division fought to know what the others had. "Send them by foot runners not butterflies. The Captain in?"

"No my fathers gone up to see my sisters. He doesn't want Kisuke to influence them with his perverted ways so he goes up quite often." Ichigo scoffed setting down the paperwork and began looking at which message held highest priority. Isshin and Ichigo worked well together having done their informal 'training' all these years. Ichigo often reflected how scary his dad had become now he charged at him with his katana and kido first thing in the morning instead of just a foot or fist. Moving to his own small apartment away from the division had had its advantages in more ways than one. At least he could wake up without fearing for his life! Yeah yeah okay, he could wake up next to his adorable boyfriend too. Well, when he could over stay anyway.

"Rukia tells me you would have been 21 today."

"Yeah. Now I'm here, dead, I can see what the fuss is all about. In the grand scheme of things it only makes me 2 years old!" Ichigo laughed.

"How about I buy you a drink in the bar to celebrate being 2 then?" For once the frost boy smirked a smile and Ichigo nodded.

"Yeah. Ishida said he'd be coming down, I'll bring him along." Ichigo smiled to himself at the thought of seeing his boyfriend again. It had been a week since they'd managed to meet up.

"I haven't seen much of him of late. He used to be hanging around quite a bit."

"Training to be a doctor is hard work. Usually he's too tired or got a lot of studying to do. Seeing as I don't know jack about that stuff, I ain't much more use than as a distraction."

"Still long term relationships..."

"We're doing alright." Ichigo shrugged. "He's got a life to live, I can't get all pushy."

"My my, such maturity." Ichigo frowned as Byakuya stepped into the room baring another set of paperwork. "I need these sent to the... 10th." Byakuya floundered as Rukia's plan seemed to be failing, the stupid silver hair boy was not meant to be here. Why did he get himself into these things? Kurosaki was nothing but a nuisance and so why he let himself get dragged into this idea of a surprise party he didn't quite understand.

"Well, just hand them over, the guys right there and save me all the extra paperwork!" Ichigo scowled irritated by the suggestion of more work.

"You think I would not do things via the correct channels boy? Don't assume you can pick and choose the rules any more. You are a shinigami bound by our code of conduct and you will do as requested." The noble rose one eyebrow and used his most superior tone as a rebuke and then his full scale 'saved-for-Renji' glare to get his point across.

"Hai Taicho." Ichigo grunted through gritted teeth. Hitsugaya bit his own tongue to stop himself laughing and he nodded knowingly at his fellow captain.

"Ichigooo Darling!" Yumichika Ayasegawa arrived also laden down with paperwork. "Captain Kira asked for these to be del... Oh..." The feminine looking man peered over his parchment pile to stare at the two captains. "Busy day Ichigo?" The man smiled and fluttered his eye lashes at Byakuya who ignored him.

"What are you lot doing? Is there some new directive I didn't know about?" Ichigo took the last pile of papers and looked up confused as he was responded with two no's and a yes simultaneously. "Come on which is it? This all smells of Rukia."

"Are you suggesting anything inappropriate about my sister?" Byakuya leaned in pulling on his bank of menacing glares again.

"Rukia and inappropriate go quiet well together!" Yumichika laughed in a flurry of swirling hakama pants and was gone before Byakuya could unsheathe his sword.

...

All Rukia's scheming had worked to keep Ichigo busy whilst everyone put hands to the pump to decorate the pub with birthday banners and bunting. There were balloons everywhere and if possible nearly every division seemed to be in attendance. The drinks and jokes were flowing well.

Ichigo laughed along with the others at the drunken dance Renji was performing on the dance floor. He turned to Ishida sliding his hand into his boyfriends under the table. Almost immediately Ishida turned away and pulled his hand free to lift his drink to his lips.

"You alright?" Ichigo turned to him. That was the third time tonight Ishida had done that.

"Yeah I'm good." Ishida gave a half smile and turned to look at Isshin who was staring at him.

"Jeez my old man looks pissed." Ichigo tutted. "Why do you think he's glaring at me like that?"

"I don't know? What did you screw up this time?" Ishida said dryly knowing that it wasn't Ichigo that Isshin found so interesting this evening.

"Nothing. Come on, dance with me." Ichigo refused to take no for an answer and dragged the uncomfortable looking Quincy to the floor by a handful of his hoody.

"WHOHOO! GO ICHIGO!" Rukia full of drink leered at the two men and laughing as Nanoe poised with camera ready to snap a full kissing scene for their next edition of the Women's Guild Magazine.

"That really your sister?" Shuhei chuckled to Byakuya who looked more than a little perturbed by his sisters loud antics.

"Apparently so." Byakuya sighed. "I think its time to get her married off."

"Let someone else handle her hey?" The sake soaked man snorted. "You're gonna need one hell of a laid back man to take her."

"Exactly." Byakuya turned to the Captain smiling. "Someone just like you."

"Me?" Shuhei never looked sober, but he seemed to have sobered up pretty quickly. He backed away holding both his hands up and shaking his head. "I'm not the marrying kind my old friend... You know that I want someone else... Rukia is a nice girl and that but..." He gulped and ran.

Ichigo slid his hands down his lovers back and into the back pockets of his jeans.

"Ichigo, people are looking!" Ishida growled.

"Lighten up, they know about us. Half of them are gay anyway."

"Just give me some space." Ishida wriggled in Ichigo's arms with a distinct grump on his face.

"What is up with you? You've been cagey all night." Ichigo let go and moaned loudly over the music. Some birthday it was turning out to be with a miserable boyfriend.

"I'm tired."

"You're always tired." Ichigo snapped back. "Alright. Lets go back to mine and you can get your precious sleep."

Ishida was the first to step into the small two room apartment. It was a similar size to his own at home and comprised of a compact white kitchen, lounge with fat soft sofa's, pictures from the Kurosaki home, Ichigo's prize guitar and music collection and lots of reading books. It was neat, just like his bedroom had always been and decorated in the usual earthy colours of Seireitei.

But Ichigo had no intention of staying long in this room, he wanted his pound of Quincy flesh and he pressed his lover onwards toward the second room, his bedroom. Another simple room, tidied to perfection and housing a large bed, dark wood bedside tables and a small free-standing wardrobe. One large picture of the beach hung on the wall and the darkened room was lit by two lamps either side of the bed.

"Ha! Rukia's an evil bitch, she's even been in here." Ichigo laughed at the lit lamps, the rose on the pillow and petals over the covers. Ichigo picked up the rose and smelt it shaking his head as he looked at his almost virginal looking boyfriend. "You look ready to bolt." Ichigo chuckled. But he looked cute too, sort of vulnerable and submissive. He stroked the rose down Uryuu's cheek. "Be my birthday treat." He whispered huskily into his lovers ear and pressed his nose into the dark locks of hair nipping at the waiting earlobe.

"Ichi..." Uryuu's voice faltered as he moaned. His ears had always been his weakness.

"Undress." Ichigo whispered sliding his tongue around the cusp of ear and gently blowing. He felt Ishida nod and he stepped back to sit on the bed and watch his blushing uke strip off his layers of clothing. "You are so fucking fit Ishida. That body should be on public display as an example of perfection." Ichigo smiled up at him. Much as a expected of a Japanese virgin, Ishida whimpered and looked coyly from beneath his hair. Ichigo patted the covers and Ishida laid himself down on the bed waiting for his seme to take charge.

Ichigo ran the head of the rose along the full length of Ishida's body, travelling up the toned calf and thigh, around his genitals in a loop and then both nipples ripened keenly as the scented bloom gently caressed them awake. Ichigo smiled as the usually aggressive male looked at him with hazy eyes. The promise of sex had the prone man rubbing his thighs together in languid thrusts and his fingers lazily tracing the breadth of his own erection.

It was a huge 'come and get me' message with neon lights and Ichigo wasn't going to resist the temptation for long. He stood and tugged off his clothes letting them drop without care onto the floor. His eyes never left those lips and the way Ishida's tongue traced around their shape, or the other hand that the dark haired boy used to pluck his nipples.

Ichigo stood at the side of the bed and whipped the rose down onto his lovers abdomen, smiling at the flinch of muscle and whimper of pain. But his hand reached out towards Ichigo's risen cock and let one finger trace the wet tip. "Want it?" Ichigo smirked at the keen nod he got as a response. He watched the thin figure roll onto his stomach and reach up to slide the wanting need inside his sinful lips. Ichigo growled at the first wave of indefinable pleasure from the warm heated cavern closing around him.

Ishida's body rocked on the bed, his groin rubbed heatedly into the mattress as he groaned his lust filled cries around the huge organ in his mouth. Ichigo flogged the green stem down on his boyfriends back watching the body writing beneath him. The petals flew off the delicate flower as it caved into the blows and instead decorated the beautiful buttocks. Ishida's skin reddened and warmed to the repeated blows even if they were not that harsh. He moaned louder and louder with each lash and ravished the cock in his mouth with equal vigour. There was a wonderful friction on his own erection, but it wasn't enough to reach his peak. The heat of his skin licked his need and stirred him to rock harder, rubbing and rubbing himself with force.

Ichigo was close and he let go of the stem to hold Ishida's head, running his hands through the silk hair. His hips worked of their own accord and he couldn't help but buck into the groaning mouth. Ishida felt Ichigo tighten almost ready to come, the hands in his hair held him firmly as Ichigo thrust several times forcefully into his mouth and holding him tight beyond the point he could breath. As the seed flushed down his throat, his own erection seemed to want to explode too and he continued to push himself down into the mattress. Ichigo let his lover go, marvelling at his endurance and he flipped him quickly over.

"You wanna cum?" Ichigo asked grabbing the cock in his shaking hand. Ishida nodded and threw his head back as Ichigo tugged and pulled at the steel hard appendage.

"Harder." Ishida groaned thrusting upwards into the willing hand. Ichigo bent and kissed his lovers panting and moaning lips as his fist moved ferociously. Pain shot through Ishida at the harsh handling but that's how he wanted it. He wanted to feel the sting and burn. "HARDER!" He cried thrashing his head side to side with Ichigo watching him intently. Ichigo complied as much as his arm would let him until finally Ishida's body arced and wailed. His seed flew onto his chest and he panted with huge exaggerated breaths as it trickled back to pool in his flat navel.

"Shit Ishida. We should have come home earlier." Ichigo laughed but bent to lap at the creamy fluid before him. His cock was already hard again from that display and he wanted more. "I take it you want it rough tonight?"

"You gonna talk all night or ride me?" Ichigo rose his eyebrows at that one. His pale skinned boyfriend rolled back onto his stomach and rose onto all fours. "Fuck me. I want you to fuck me right up to my tonsils." Well that was an invitation not to refuse and Ichigo knelt between the man's legs and urged himself inside using Ishida's shoulders as leverage. At the shrill yell that erupted, Ichigo faltered wondering if he'd gone too far but Ishida merely grunted and rammed himself back with an equivalent force.

With the tone set, Ichigo grasped a rough handful of hair and yanked Ishida's head upright. He palmed another hand around his lovers throat and fucked him, raw, hard and painfully. Ishida, squirmed and coughed, but he also groaned and thrust back. The bed shivered and shook beneath them and the wall echoed the thud of the headboard. As they neared their climatic end they were both hoarse, sweaty and shattered. The final ripples built up & exploded within a second of each other and they fell heavily onto the bed exhausted.

"Whoa." Ichigo smiled at Ishida. "You've knackered me in two blows." Knackered was apt, but Ichigo pondered a moment on his boyfriends behaviour. The last time he wanted to be taken that hard was after a huge row with Ryuken and he wanted to forget. He had wanted to feel the physical pain so it could erase the real pain inside him. Just what was up?

Ichigo leant and gave him a tender kiss then stroked his hair gently. "Love you Uryuu."

"Ermm?... Happy Birthday." Ishida mumbled back closing his eyes and falling asleep.

...

"Ishida what's up?" Ichigo asked as they walked along the shopping streets of Seireitei, looking intently at his boyfriend; but what ever he tried Ishida didn't seem to want to look him in the eye. Ichigo spied a tea house ahead and clasping Ishida's hand so he couldn't argue, dragged him to a quiet table under the cherry blossoms. Ishida sat down with a huff and frowned as Ichigo quickly ordered two Jasmine tea's. "So?"

"This is a nice... tea house." Ishida said looking around them and familiar faces milling past along the roadway.

"Yeah, whenever I pass I always see Byakuya talking to Ukitake in here." Ichigo explained before they fell into a quite silence that bordered on something awkward. Ichigo couldn't understand what was up with Ishida. The man seemed to want to stay locked in his own thoughts and Ichigo seemed unable to break into his newly erected barrier. This quiet and quaint garden seemed the ideal place to sit and wait it out with the hesitant brunette. Ichigo just wanted to know what could make the love of his life so introverted. He watched him from the corner of his eye hoping that he'd talk, hoping that he'd find the courage to say what ever was bothering him. It couldn't be that bad could it? It didn't feel natural to be so disconnected; before they'd been so tuned into each other without the need for too much chat.

But this visit was different, and for the life of him, Ichigo couldn't work out why. "Ishida..."

"Ichigo..." They both spoke at the same moment and paused with equal strained expressions on their face.

The waitress returned with their tea and kneeled at their table. The two men watched her pour the amber steaming fluid into the two mugs and present them. Ichigo smiled in thanks as Ishida looked down mesmerised by the white petals floating on the surface of his drink. His hands cupped the warm mug. "Ichigo we need to talk." He said quietly.

"Good cos this silence is killing me." Ichigo sipped his tea. "We're supposed to be in love, yet I don't know what's going on in your head right now." Ishida had looked up at the word love and taken in Ichigo's concerned expression. "What ever it is, I'm here for you you know." The hand that crossed the table as an offering of support for the Quincy was stared at, almost in paralysed fear. "You're really freaking me out now. Just tell me what's up will you?" Ichigo added with his serious tone.

"Ichigo I'm getting married." Ishida knew he couldn't avoid this converstaion, but he would have wanted it to be somewhere more private. He hoped, he just hoped that Ichigo would understand and for once not go overboard.

"Yeah very funny."

"My father has arranged it. A week after I graduate. He's even booked the temple already."

"Your serious?" Ichigo was struck dumb, his mind seemed to be falling into a seizure.

"Your father, he made it a condition of his agreement. I had to tell you."

"What's my dad got to do with this? You're acting as if he caught you in the act with someone." It was only meant as a joke but Uryuu's stoic face broke the laugh that come out.

"I guess I did kiss her when he was there."

"Kiss? So just how far does kissing go Uryuu?" Ichigo felt his stomach readying for a huge dive. It was as if his life was sitting on a huge precipice waiting for the shove that was going to push him off the edge.

"Ichigo..." The expression on Ishida's face provided enough of a push.

"Fuck... Ishida... I thought you loved me? I thought that we... us... you've been cheating on me!"

"Or on her which ever way you look at it."

"Oh yeah very smart comment. We've been going since before I died, were you cheating on me then too?"

"I, no... not quite." Ishida had to drop his eyes from the pain he saw reflected back in the damp orbs watching him.

"Not quite! Just how _not quite_ Ishida." Ichigo found his anger rising and his hissed out his question.

"Ichigo people are staring." Ishida shrunk under the scrutiny of the others, who were all listening in on their private but obviously not-so-quiet conversation.

"What your ashamed to let everyone know what a sneaking betraying bastard you are? When Uryuu? When did you start to see this girl?"

"Your funeral." Ishida did not want this conversation here. He didn't want it at all, but he couldn't hide his lie any longer. As much as he wanted to run from this barricaded garden he couldn't run and hide the truth from Ichigo any more.

"Oh well isn't that the cherry on the icing. At my funeral. That heart broken were you?" Ichigo sneered at the pale faced and embarrassed man sitting opposite.

"I _knew_ you were okay! You where _here_, I knew that. What did you want me crying over you? Weeping for a year and wearing black!" Ishida found his own anger and threw back his retort.

"I didn't expect you to go behind my back and shag the first thing that came along! So who is it? If she was at my funeral, who is it? I must bloody well know her! Orihime?"

"No. Yuzu." It was a quiet whisper, quiet enough for Ichigo to miss, but he didn't. Denial instead got in the way.

"What! What? No no no... Who?" He looked flustered, flabbergasted and horrified all at the same time. This surely was a very weird joke. Not his little sister, that was just laughable.

"Your sister. Yuzu."

"You. Are. Fucking. My. Sister! _My little sister_! Oh My God... just... _oh my god_..." Ichigo didn't even intend to do it, it just happened by instinct. He stood and before Ishida knew what was going on, Ichigo's fist connected with his jaw and the unsuspecting adulterer fell from the seat clutching his face.

Ishida shook his long hair from his eyes and looked up from the floor to the fire of rage brewing in Ichigo's face. "If it means anything, I'm sorry."

"Sorry! SORRY!_ Get out of my sight_. Get out of my sight before I slice you in fucking two!" Sorry didn't take away the feeling of a huge hole of pain in his chest or the fire of betrayal and lies. It didn't cover the swell of tears threatening to surpass the anger raging in his hands that gripped Zangetsu over his shoulder.

Ishida moved slowly, wary of the bounty of emotions running across Ichigo's face. Making a move towards his bow now would be a mistake, it was best he kept his movements predictable. But he faltered in his footsteps as Ichigo's tears began to fall in two floods down his cheeks.

"_Why_? This was right wasn't it? This was what we both wanted? I thought this was the real thing you know... This was meant to be the time of our lives, you know we said it, we were going to just have a great time, enjoy being in love before you had to settle down to working with your father..."

Ishida wished he didn't care so much for Ichigo. Seeing so much obvious pain was breaking him in two, he never ever meant to hurt him like this. He just fell out of love, not out of caring or friendship. "But with you here... its been disjointed." Ichigo couldn't argue with that. The distance relationship had been hard but he thought they'd made it work as best they could. "Please, I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to hurt you."

"No. Sleeping with my sister, who would have thought that would hurt me hey?" The row had escalated now into loud angry voices but both men were now oblivious to their surroundings as they focused on how hurt they both were.

"You must have noticed that as time has gone on, there was a distance between us. You'd gone too far away from me... I needed you and you weren't there. Was I meant to be happy with the odd weekend and evening? Sex that's all it became Ichigo!"

"It may well have just been sex for you, but it wasn't to me!"

"I had loved you. But you died and left me behind."

"Oh I am so sorry! I knew I shouldn't have _planned_ to stop that fucking lorry with my head! So what this is all _my_ fault is it? Because I had to come to Soul Society you saw that as justification to sleep with Yuzu. _Stop trying to push this on me_! I'm not the one who has been sleeping around. Loved me! It all seems like a big joke now... maybe I did you a favour by dying. Did you want her all along? Hey did you? Did you want your fathers hospital so badly? He'd never give it to his _gay_ son! Did he ever know about _us_? Did you _ever_ have the balls to tell him?" Ishida tried to ignore the forceful jabs that were directed at his chest.

"I never told him." He replied quietly.

"No but you told him about my sister apparently!" The pain had radiated into a sneering hate that Ishida knew he deserved but felt no better for that knowledge.

"Please Ichigo I'm trying here..."

"What to make it better? Make it better for who? You? So you can walk away from me without the guilt? Its your fault we are in this crisis. Don't try and go easy on yourself!"

They stood a moment watching each other. Petals drifted silently down from the trees and settled around them, their forgotten drinks went cold and the other patrons tried to not look too interested.

Ichigo fished inside his robes for his money pouch and threw some coins on the table.

"So..." Ishida spoke quietly. "I guess..."

"Yeah." Ichigo looked at him squarely ignoring the tears he felt on his own face, but noticed were not on Ishida's. _But I love you..._

...

The closing door to his apartment sounded like a final nail in his coffin and Ichigo sank to his knees. His head fell forward on the carpet and he sobbed heartily, gripping his stomach for the dull ache that had settled.

"Ishida." He spoke into the carpet as his eyes swelled and reddened, his throat rasped and his nose ran. "I love you, you bastard. I fucking love you."

There he stayed, weeping and weeping.

News travels along the gossip vines fairly quickly in Seireitei, hangovers or not. It was bound to get around with such a public break up. The pounding on his door didn't stir him to move, even if the rough matting had etched its pattern in his forehead and his drool had pooled into a stain.

"Ichigo!" The pounding continued accompanied by the voice of his father. Even the splintering of wood didn't move him or the heavy footsteps that turned into knees beside him. "Ichigo." The voice said softer this time, echoing an understanding of pain and sympathy. "Come here son." Two strong arms drew him into his fathers chest.

It had always been this way with Isshin. He had always been so afraid of Ichigo hurting again like he had after his wife died. Watching from the sidelines as two of his children fell in love with the same person had been incredibly difficult knowing at some point the pain would reach one of them.

In some ways he hoped in the lesser of two evils, that it would have been Yuzu. She might appear weak and needy, but she had an inner strength that meant she could adapt. She always found strength in something else and after Masaki she'd turned her pain into caring for her family like her mother would have done. Ichigo on the other hand, his pain was keener in the first place for being with his mother and feeling so responsible for her death. It had made the life changing experience, all that more dramatic for him and his whole personality had been affected. Once happy and smiling then forever, angered and bitter.

Isshin cleaned him up as much as was possible between bouts of outpouring. Finally his body was just too overwhelmed and exhausted to cry any more and Isshin pressed him in his bed. Sleep was welcome from this heart break and Ichigo didn't fight it when it came.

"Yuzu?" He spoke sleepily to the man sitting beside him. "She happy?" Even though his heart was broken beyond repair, he could place himself in the arms of protecting his loved ones and use that to not hate his sister. He could use his sense of devotion to her happiness. He was her big brother before and beyond everything else.

"Only because she doesn't know about you." Isshin stroked his sons hair. "I'm sorry Ichigo."

"Not your fault." Ichigo closed his eyes and tugged the covers higher around his head.

"But I just feel..." Isshin's voice was soft and caring. The weight of his guilt laced his tone.

"Dad. Its not your fault." Ichigo said again opening his eyes and patting his dads hand before closing his eyes and pretending to fall asleep.


	2. If Love Equals Nothing

This is another chapter to pull at those heart strings...

Ichigo + Kenpachi – relationship started a two years post Ishida and lasted five months

If Love Equals Nothing...

Ichigo sat with a sake bottle in one hand and a cup in the other. He didn't bother to warm it in the clay kettle first, he just wanted the satisfaction of drinking to get beyond the state of caring. Beyond caring about his latest failed relationship. Somehow he just should have known that the brute of a man would have been a total jerk when it came to his emotions, but back when he had started on the whole idea of would he accept the man's offer of a date, he figured that he couldn't get much further away from Ishida than Kenpachi.

Ichigo tipped his head back and took a huge draft of the burning fluid coughing and then wiping the dribble that sped down his chin with the back of his hand. His neck ached like a bitch and his whole practice and training today had been plagued by weakened strikes on his right side because of his shoulder. Hichigo had taken great delight in taking the piss too.

The groan of irritation growled in his throat as fierce knocking pounded on his door.

"Ichigo you were meant to be at the pub two hours ago. Stop shagging Zaraki and at least come down for one drink with us!"

Rukia looked up wide eyed as a pale faced and wholly irritated friend came to the door. He looked drunk already as he wavered in his grip on the door jam and as she peered into the dark and gloom of the bachelor pad, she noted the usual large presence was lacking.

"You alone?" She asked. He nodded. "What are you doing sitting in the dark?" Rukia pushed past Ichigo at the door even though he had tried to bar her coming in. Her finger caught the light switch and she watched Ichigo flinch at the brightness. "You look rough." Now bathed in the naked light of a bulb, his unwashed and stubbled face showed its dark circles under the eyes and the lack of colouration to his cheeks.

"I wouldn't expect anything else." He sighed flicking the light back off.

"What did you do that for? Your going to trip over the rubbish lying around with the light off." She gestured the piles of Kenpachi's belongings. She had heard them row more than a few times about the mess the tall man made. But then she didn't get it did she.

"Rukia did you want something?" He asked flopping back down to his sofa with one of his legs sprawled along its length.

"You coming down the pub?"

"No."

"Alright spill it." She held up the sake bottle and noted it was almost empty.

"My shoulder is caning me and I've had one of those days."

"Well where's Ken?"

"Buggered if I know. Buggered if I care." He took a large swig of the drink emptying his cup and went to fill it up again, but Rukia held it out of his reach.

"You broke up!" She looked at him shaking her head and held the bottle to her chest. "Drinking this won't help. So that's why your in the dark. Your upset."

"No, I couldn't be bothered to turn it on." The truth was he didn't want it on, he didn't want to see the things lying around that belonged to Ken. The smell of him lingering in the flat was bad enough, but to see the evidence of how he'd been abandoned again, was too much. Only he didn't have the strength right now to clear them out and set light to them. But the idea of a bloody big bonfire sounded good. Good enough to almost smile.

"Under all that gruff bravado, you really are a sensitive guy." Rukia said crossing her arms and watching Ichigo reclining in the seat. "You miss him already."

"Yeah well I guess I should get used to being alone. It seems that guys just wanna use me and throw me away when their done."

"You know what you need?"

"Not a Rukia knuckle sandwich thanks." Although he was surprised she hadn't tried to hit him already to make him wake up. Rukia looked affronted at the suggestion of her beating a friend in need up, but she had to admit, it was tempting. "Where do I go wrong Rukia? I always think it will be different the next time around. How many guys have I seen since Ishida and they all end up just like him. They all leave."

Rukia squeezed her small body into the gap left by his feet. Guys since Ishida? Well that might count up to two, but they were the kind of, make me forget and just fuck me relationships. She'd known that each time he'd introduced the low ranking officers. All forgettable and only out for the chance to be seen with the almighty Kurosaki Ichigo. But he seemed ready to talk and she wasn't going to try and stop him. After Ishida left him it had taken a whole year to get him to open up again and come out with them all. That whole sordid affair seemed to leave a bitter after taste and its repercussions could still be seen sometimes. "You didn't imply he was having an affair did you?"

"No?"

"Come on Ichigo, you are paranoid about the others having an affair. That's what broke everyone else up, they were sick of your possessiveness. But Kenpachi, well I hoped you'd got over that."

"He just said I expect too much, he didn't plan on living with his mother. All he wanted was fuck toy ready to hand."

"Ouch." Rukia had to admit that was a bit nasty and totally uncalled for. Ken obviously didn't know what was good for him. Ichigo did everything for the guy from his washing his smalls, to cooking his meals... Oh right. Mother... But then what was a relationship anyway? Didn't Ken do anything for Ichigo? Rukia sat thinking a moment until she could only recall finding Zaraki reclined on this sofa asking when his 'grub' was going to be done. He was messy, dropping his clothes, towels and empty cans where ever he finished with them. Ichigo ran himself ragged keeping up with the challenges of fights and doing his own work. Maybe he was actually better off without him.

"Hey can anyone join the party?" The two guys looked up at the door way and the bunch of ruffians standing there. Renji at their helm took the role of spokes person. "Rukia you were only meant to come and get him, we have waited ages."

"I was about to suggest the Onsen to Ichigo. His shoulders off again."

"With Kenpachi around that ain't surprising..." Rukia was doing her best to interrupt the stupid red head but he went blathering on whilst Ichigo shot him glaring looks. "Man I'd be sore all over with a dude that bulked out. I'm amazed you can walk at all Ichigo, but then I guess you sort of get used to his size."

"Get. Out." Ichigo in a flit of shunpo was next to Renji in a heartbeat and Zangetsu thrummed next to the guys bared neck. "Don't mention that man again when I am around got it?" A flash of angry pain shot up his arm and around his neck and Ichigo let the sword fall as he grasped his shoulder tightly and hissed in, as waited for the wave of discomfort to pass.

"Righteehooo." Renji stepped away from the sword that nearly took off his foot in its fall and looked to the confused faces of Ikkaku Madarame, Yumichika Ayasegawa, Shuhei Hisagi & Tetsuzaemon Iba. "Looks like we need to round some guys up for an onsen party!" Renji grinned at them.

"I'm not going. Will you lot just leave me out of this." Ichigo cursed under his breath as the pain finally receded.

So they'd bullied him enough and here he was sitting in the calming waters, with his friends all trying to cheer him up by goofing around, but only succeeding in annoying him more. He settled himself low into the hot bubbling waters so that the water jets pounded up his back and along his shoulders. As a therapy for aching wounds it certainly did help, but that was all. The laughing and jokes were irritating other users now and Ichigo could almost start a count down to them getting thrown out.

He laid his head back on a rounded rock and closed his eyes, trying to shut them out of his mind. The only problem being that without their incessant row, his mind was able to wander to the men he had loved and lost. It seemed that love was only about sadness and pain. The happiness that he'd seen his parents enjoy seemed intent on evading his reach. But why then did he keep reaching out and reach out only to be slapped back again and again? Oh it was all fine for a while. Just as he found himself happy, something would come along and shatter that. It was like living as a yoyo, being toyed with being built up to be happy and filled with promises of ever after then at the next turn he was dropped to the floor and trodden all over. He'd been lied to, cheated on, beaten up and abandoned. He must be truly stupid to keep trying to brush himself off and stand again and accepting more promises of the forbidden fruit called love. Maybe he hadn't loved Ken that much, certainly not like Ishida. No one would measure up to that cheating bastard. At least, he hadn't used his fists like Kenpachi had. Was that the problem, Ichigo didn't fight back? He didn't play the game like he was meant to and Ken considered him weak for letting him be hit? Probably. But how do you keep up the constant fight? Lord it was better then this way. Just resigned to being single and having no one hurt you.  
"Oi. You lot!" The bath attendant called the misbehaving shinigami to order and they all groaned as they were ordered out. Ichigo sighed and drew himself in in preparation for going back to an empty apartment. Coming out might have been a good idea, at least he'd sorted something out in his mind. Sod the useless bastard, sod them all!  
As his door opened without the need for his keys, he should have guessed really that Rukia would have not sat alone in the female side of the baths. Of all his friends, of course, he could have relied on her to have done this.

He stepped into his tidy flat and noted the several boxes of junk that belonged to the man he didn't want to think about. But Rukia looked pleased with herself and she should have, working this miracle of cleaning in such a short time. It was his flat again, clean tidy and... empty.

"You are always going to interfere aren't you?" He sighed as her bold hands on hip stance.

"Yep." She grinned.

"Good." He chuckled. "Ken who?" He shrugged. "You know, if I ever fancy a bit of skirt..."

"Well, you obviously still have enough alcohol in your system to say such things." She rounded behind him and shoved him towards his bedroom. "Get some sleep, there's a meeting early tomorrow."

"Oh such joys. If I knew being dead would be this much fun, I'd have done it sooner."

"Ken'll be at the meeting. You can beat the shit out of him there." She grinned.

He went to say something, but stopped short. She just seemed to be there when he needed her, it didn't mean he had to add to that. But he knew that the first time Ken had slapped him. He'd never tell Rukia that. Ken had been the right choice for a man furthest removed from Ishida. You cant go much further than to a man who is capable of beating your spirit from you with his bare hands. A man whose violence knew no bounds behind a shut door. Somehow Ichigo knew, he'd never win a fight against the man again. His brain wouldn't allow the disobedience.

"You going to be alright?" Rukia asked as he remained quite. Ichigo knew she'd offer to stay over if he asked, but somehow the silence seemed right, it seemed safe.

"Yeah." He smiled at her. "Lets shove these boxes out the door and let the delinquents in this block raid them." _Serve the bastard right for being such a jerk. _

They pushed the pile of belongs out in the communal hallway and Rukia gave him a playful punch on the arm. "Hello new life." She beamed.

_Good bye and good riddance old one!_ Ichigo silently agreed.


	3. Simple Philosophy

Ichigo + Shuhei - 8 months since Kenpachi.

Poem's later written by James Fenton & Susan Coolidge

Simple Philosophy...

Even with the curtains drawn tightly over the window the sun dared to peek through. One chink was particularly clever, it found the gap in the middle of the curtains and exploited this loophole in the 'curtain bashes daylight rule' to shine brightly up the length of the double bed and across one crusted, alcohol influenced, reluctant eye.

He didn't want to. No he really didn't want to wake up. Ichigo groaned and rolled trying to evade the light that reminded the sole sober braincell that morning had arrived and he needed to be at his desk an hour ago. Mentally he pleaded with that one cell to let him five more minutes and it responded by teasing the other remaining million cells which made them pulse and throb with a headache from Satan.

The dry throat prodded at the youth insisting he needed a drink badly and adding a sore ticklish cough just for a laugh. He coughed and rose a hand to a tender part of his neck to rub it with a grimace and slowly the brain cells cranked away in their rusty state to finally remember that his scar was on the opposite of his neck. _So what...?_ Insert a well timed frown...just about...here.

"Aghhhh. No, no, no... I don't wanna get up." He moaned to himself barely opening his eyes and blinking back as that chink pressured him to get up with a painful glare. He moaned and groaned some more as his body grumbled at being told to sit up. Heavy legs protested with joint pains and stiffness at the insistence they be thrown so rudely off the side of the bed. "Feet. Bathroom!" He said looking down at the rows of toes and 'humphing' when they ignored him. "Now!" He coughed again and the feet yanked on the legs to get upright.

The bathroom mirror may have been a mistake. One, to see his pale pasty face so haggard was not good and two, with a capital T and W and not forgetting a O! "Oh shit." His hand went back to that tender spot on his neck and his once reluctant eyes, glared widely at the deep purplish red mark adorning his flesh. His flesh that won't be covered by uniform flesh. Flesh that had obviously been attacked and mutilated by some one last night... _Who? Oh shit. _

He ran back to his bedroom, you know it always paid to be a little careful, to see if there was a naked body in it still. Nope. Well that was one sigh of relief.

Although his belly was reminding him that alcohol in such large quantities was not welcome, it still pleaded for a little something more substantial than fluids and even if a pint of water was needed, it still wanted that drippy egg and toast to completely shut up. So when the toaster had done its job and one egg had been suitably fried and laid in its bed of butter and bread blankets it sighed it's own gleeful happiness and for a little while at least, promised to behave.

As Ichigo worked the shifting skin on his temple with one set of finger tips, his mind was working overtime trying to force out memories that thought a game of hide and seek was more preferable. Oh well there were fuzzy images of a dark haired man that accompanied a feeling of... a feeling of...peace. So it wasn't anyone who he ever felt threatened by. It wasn't anyone either he was previously sexually attracted to. Of course when filled with sake and brandy a shimmy of rum and possibly a dose of vodka, one is bound to agree to some pretty radical things.

The office promised a cool air conditioned environment. Runners were sent off easily enough and his father seemed for once to be tiptoeing around him, so all wasn't completely bad with the world. He should be happy that he made it to work at all, rumour was that Renji had a death threat hanging over him from needing a day off to nurse the toilet and even Rukia was being allowed light duties.

But the thought kept creeping through his brain unbidden. _I think I made a date._ This was followed with... _But will I keep it? _Which only led onto... _No, I bet I don't. _Funny enough since his last break up with the man who still won't be named anything other than 'Jerk with bells on', Ichigo had remained single. The very odd one night stand, ahem, one leg stand outside in the alley, later and he'd only allowed himself to let off steam. Anyone who asked for a date was refused, anyone who offered to buy him a drink accepted. Look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves and that, so why not?

Nope he was officially on a man free zone of his life because otherwise it goes on and on and on and he never seemed to learn anything but men are bastards. Now he sounded like a right woman. No it was alright being Mr. Young Free and Single thank you very much. No one to kick him out of his rut, no one to remind him he was stuck in his ways and no one to call him a fool and use their fists or the dicks to remind him he was an _unwanted worthless nothing_. Nope, Ichigo the brave who smite the enemy was a different person the one that wanted slushy midnight hugs. He knew all too well that it made him vulnerable and needy. So far all his relationships had proved that.

There was so much more to do in life than suffer at the hands of men who were incapable of making any form of commitment. He'd taken them in and listened to their lies, after all they promised so much. It was as if that sunlight through his curtain had blinded him to the deviousness around him. Men cannot be trusted and that was that. Yep his new philosophy was simple: live it to the full and live it for himself. Long may that idea continue.

"Ichigo!" Isshin jumped out his office and in automatic reflex the kid jumped into a defensive position. "Lets eat together. Father and son have not bonded over the breaking of bread for some time!" Ichigo scowled at the exaggerated pose and wondered if his Dad had been reading Naruto again. The likeness to Gai was way too close, all his dad needed was the sparkles.

The office door opened and a nervous looking Shuhei Hisagi stepped in. "Taicho, can I steel your son for a while?" The similarity between the two was striking and Isshin grinned to himself at the look on Ichigo's face. That dreamy, 'God he's gorgeous' look. Isshin hadn't seen that look in a while and he at last approved of the choice. Strange then in Ichigo's brain, he'd just remembered who's face he'd been sucking last night – and every brain cell approved of the choice too! Isshin struck on his knowingly irritating poses and leant across the desk towards Ichigo. "Oh is it the breaking of love over candles and wine?" Isshin suddenly found himself nose down into the flooring and watching Ichigo's feet rapidly disappearing out of the door with mumbles of 'Crazy old fool." He chuckled to himself as he got to his feet and glad he'd been in that bar last night to steer the nervous dark headed boy towards his drunken son.

...

The meal had started with nervous fumbling of the chopsticks, awkward sipping of the clay sake cups and finally Hisagi cleared his voice and a strange sense of calm descended over them.

"I don't think anyone knows about it... but... my old Taicho and I..." It seemed to be as Ichigo watched the man talking, that he had difficulty putting that name on his lips. Only using the title of captain seemed acceptable... a wave of empathy poured over Ichigo and he realised that for once he had possibly found a soul mate who understood the pain of a bad relationship. "You know... so I'm kinda nervous about this... I don't normally do... relationships."

"Well... since... well I guess yeah, me too since that bastard. I probably shouldn't have had that one since the bastard before him..." Damn was he waffling? " You and him? How long was it? That is if you don't mind me asking."

"Ahh the better side of 50 years."

"Wow." Ichigo shook his head. "I can't get my head around how old you lot are. Fifty years, that's one hell of a long time."

"We are not all genesis that get an officers seat the day we arrive here you know. You're pretty unique around here."

"I don't feel anything but the freak I was when I was alive."

"You don't wish you were still alive then?"

"I do that, 'what would I have been doing now', bit in my head. I'd be half way through my doctors degree, probably dumped still however, because _daddy_ can't hand his hospital over to his gay son... one day that bastard is going to come down here for good and what do I do then?"

"By then you'll be happily settled and he'll be a distant memory. Besides, that might be another sixty plus years yet."

"It might be tomorrow for all we know."

"Soul Society is a big place and it can hold a great deal of characters. You'll be fine you know."

"Are you always this optimistic?"

"Nah, I'm a realist!" He waved his cup and took a sip. "The futures great, its only our own self limiting beliefs that turn it sour."

"Look, who ever you are, you ain't anyone I've met before." Ichigo laughed.

"When I asked you last night, I was worried it was the drink agreeing..."

"Me that drunk?" Ichigo scoffed. "Nah don't worry about it."

"But you drink a lot don't you... I watched you for a while."

"What and you don't? You and Renji are nearly always the last out of that place."

"If I didn't, I'm not sure he'd get home."

"Oh." Which of course begged the question he did Ichigo get home too? As if reading his mind Hisagi smiled.

"Your dad is really good to you. Your lucky he's here hanging around just outside the circle of things to catch you when you drop and last night you were pretty smashed by the time we left. I guess he got you home easy enough."

"He's annoying as hell..." Ichigo tutted. "But... yeah I guess he is pretty good to me. He just knows when I need him."

"Nothing to do with you radiating your spiritual energy like a leaking sieve." The older man laughed.

"You know I do try hard with that."

"I heard that's all that stopped you being a captain."

"Really?"

"Shit yeah, you're already way stronger than most of the others anyway." Hisagi looked at him with a 'you must already know that' face. "Waaay stronger than me for sure."

"Nah." Ichigo shook his head and scratched the back of his head. "I doubt that man. You're awesome." He added in a flurry and then looked down wide eyed as his face shone red. Hisagi laughed and gave a playful punch to the youths arm.

"You're pretty cool too."

Ichigo looked up and saw a matching blush on his dates face and smiled. "Wanna play hookie?"

"Don't mind if I do." Shuhei nodded. "Lets settle up here then and head off somewhere... peaceful?" Ichigo nodded not sure if Shuhei meant that just for a romp, he hoped not. For once he wanted someone not to jump his bones on the first date. Was there any harm in wanting that? If Ichigo had actually looked any harder or used his not so sharpened senses he might have realised that the newly appointed captain was meaning to get away from the various elbow nudges and smirks coming from two tables away where Renji and Rukia had seated themselves.

They'd walked in silence all the way to the tree lined river and the haunt of Academy students. The silence however was a peaceful contented one rather than an awkward not knowing what to say kind. They'd glanced at each other a few times and smiled, often after their hands had brushed against each other and finally clasped when they were out of town. Ichigo reflected happily that he liked the idea of a not so public relationship. His break up with Ishida had caused him to become the number one public entertainment and more people than he cared to know, knew of his preferences and often looked out with non to secretive glares to see who he was with. Obviously being with Kenpachi before had been a little hard to hide anyway.

"I met Kira down here when we where at the academy together." The dark haired one spoke into the silence as they danced under the weeping willow branches. "Both of us were trying to escape the various trials of our youth."

"He's a good guy."

"Yeah."

"Where you two ever..." Ichigo stopped himself. As a man he had the right to male friends who were just friends as did any other man. It was wrong to assume that every male acquaintance was naturally a sexual one.

"No." The smile graced the handsome features of Shuhei as he gestured towards a clump of tree roots by the river hidden beneath some low hanging tendrils of green leaves, that would act as seat and barricade. "Just mates."

Ichigo climbed over a large root and leaned a hand against the tree as he lowered himself down, Shuhei the perfect gentleman waited whilst his date seated himself before attempting to sit, but that gave him the advantage of noticing a book fall out of the tucks of Ichigo's robes onto the floor.

"Poetry." He gave Ichigo a wide eyed and raised eyebrow look.

"I read lots of things." Ichigo took the book being held out towards him. "I'm not some completely uncultured brute you know, despite my brash image."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to imply...I honestly didn't think like that." Shuhei lowered himself to the ground nestling back against the tree's firm trunk and letting his shoulder just rest slightly against Ichigo's. Ichigo held the book as if he was about to open it and he smirked at the title. "101 Poems to keen you sane. No guesses for who brought you that. It obviously works then if you keep it on you at all times."

"My dad tries to be a hard nut case, but he's not anything like that really."

"Yeah? I think the fifths squadron of emotionally damaged subordinates will argue that assumption." Ichigo listened to Shuhei's soft laugh and tutted but with a smile. "Go on read me one."

Ichigo flipped open the book on a random page and snorted at the poem showing. _How apt hey?_ He thought, licking his lips and clearing his throat.

"Some people are like that. They split up and then they think: Hey, maybe we haven't hurt each other to the uttermost. Lets meet up and have a drink. Let's go over it all again. Let's rake over the dirt. Let me pick that scab of yours. Does it hurt? Let's go over what went wrong – How and why and when. Let's go over what went wrong, again and again and again. We hurt each other badly once. We said a lot of nasty stuff. But lately I've been thinking how I didn't hurt you enough. Maybe there's more where that came from, something more malign. Let me damage you again for the sake of auld lang syne. Yes, let me see you bleed again for the sake of auld lang syne."

More silence drifted over them as they both felt the sores the poem sang of. "Sorry." Ichigo's apology sounded down and sincere; bringing up their history and bounty of hurt wasn't the best way to start something fresh.

"No, don't be. It was... quite moving. You know I felt it in my heart. Anyone else reading that wouldn't have been able to convey the real feelings it spoke of. You know of all those lessons we should have learnt and how we are too stupid to stop it happening all over again. So you don't ever need to apologise, least of all to me. I've seen it, I've done it." Ichigo smiled and let his hands lower the book to his lap and his head fall on Shuhei's shoulder. The older man reached over for the book and began to flip through the pages. "What we need is a poem for us hey?" He chuckled. "Here, what about this one..." He pressed a finger down the crease in the page to see that it opened properly as he held the book in one hand so he could slide his arm around Ichigo's back. "Every day is a fresh beginning. Listen to my soul to the glad refrain, and spite of old sorrows and older sinning. Troubles forecasted and possible pain. Take heart with the day and begin again. Huh? What do ya think? Better?"

The nodding on his shoulder answered and he rose one knee to lean the book on so he could carry on flipping through the pages with one hand whilst the other casually made spirals on Ichigo's far arm. Time passed before the captain had realised and he came to the last poem and he quietly closed the book. He glanced down at the head still on his shoulder and smiled at the sleeping face.

For his own part, he wanted to believe that this was going to work. A simple relationship that was based on empathy and trust; simple things that'd always been lies in the past. Neither of them had been understood nor had grounds enough to trust their partners, but they had. Maybe it was denial on their parts, they didn't really want to accept the truth and were happy to remain blinded for the sake of company. No one really wanted to be alone did they?

This time was different. Where was the harm in hoping for that?


	4. Not in Love

Ichigo + Shuhei - 3 months together

It was a slow night, getting ready to go out seemed to drag on as the minuted ticked by slowly. Ichigo looked at the clock for the umpteenth time. He slid his freshly showered arms into a white dress shirt and began to fasten the buttons slowly one by one up his torso. There was a sweet feeling in Ichigo's gut, he was looking forward to tonight, like drug luring him towards a night of lazy laughter with his man of the moment.

Deft fingers adjusted the collar and tugged them into place, before smoothing down the shirt inside his skinny black jeans.

The whole gang was gathering in the pub as usual, but these past three months had been so much more fun. He'd drank less, laughed harder and been in a whirl of happiness. He just liked his life for once.

His naked feet slid into white pumps and he bent down to tie the laces; his fingers rubbed a smudge off his left toe and stood again.

His rooms stayed the way he left it. His body didn't have to pretend that it was on top form, it just was. No one had thrashed the living day lights out of him. He never once worried about Ishida or missed his life back home. For the first time since arriving, he felt he belonged, fitted in and was accepted for who he was; and it felt great.

A slim black tie was unhooked off the end of the bed and around his neck. He did it up but let it hang loose, before snagging the black jacket from the back of a chair and throwing it over his shoulder. Keys tightly swooped into the other hand, a quick check of his hair and he was done. Smile in place, he opened his door and stepped out.

Ichigo, walked with no rush, he didn't need to, he knew he was early. He had time to think about the welcome changed in his life. He also knew that this feeling was going to be the undoing of him. He knew that somewhere down the line it was all going to come back and slap him in the face, but he just couldn't help it.

It was all the fault of one black spiky haired man's help. He refused to outright say the word love. Over used and abused that word had little meaning in his world; yet... when he thought of the mad 69er had him smile impulsively. It was quite unnatural for Ichigo.

The art of actually falling this time, was a bit like a slow decline onto the plumpest mattress you could ever imagine. It was safe and... actually quite dull. Although he didn't yet know if that bothered him or not. Ishida had been all anger and fury, early sex was a thrash against the bedroom door in a flurry of abandoned clothes, Ken had been a roller coaster from hell and now this one with Shuhei was well, probably normal? The guy was cautious to an extreme. They hadn't even... you know, yet. They'd become good friends, closer than they'd been before and had some good laughs out, kissed and had the odd grope.

But.

But what?

But it still told him it wasn't love after all.

That didn't seem right though.

Hadn't the guy been the sole reason he could now walk head high down this road? Wasn't he the reason he smiled these days? Wasn't he the one who'd been training him back to top speed and even helped him find that quacky medic who'd shoved a million and one needles in his shoulder and soles of his feet? Consequences of that adventure had been one almost good as new shoulder.

Because of that encouraging nod and patient coaching, he'd pretty much got a hold on his leaking reiatsu. Because of Shuhei, Ichigo had broken the back of his hollow and the sneaky bastard was as quiet as a mouse now.

That's quite a lot of reasons to fall for the guy and enjoy the ride. Yeah, he had wandering eyes that roamed the gatherings hoping for a sight of something else. But didn't every one look? No harm done. Shuhei looked to, he'd noticed it; only for once, it didn't bother Ichigo. There was something so trustworthy about him that just left Ichigo at ease. So yeah, he looked, but he didn't need to do anything more. What was wrong with liking being around the guy he was with?

Nothing.

What was wrong with wanting a bit of spice too? The nagging sense of 'not in love doom' cut in.

"Shut it." Ichigo cursed himself under his breath. Alright alright! You can have too much of a good thing can't you. The looking around and the worry was all because he knew this wasn't going to last. It had never actually matured into that kind of feeling. Comparing it all to Ishida yet again, the feeling of forever just wasn't there. Shuhei didn't fill that desire.

If this was turning into one of those honest moments... Ichigo had to admit to himself...

He swung open the door to the bar and looked into the eyes smiling back at him. He smiled too and approached the hansom man. Their lips touched and quickly pulled away.

"Hi." Ichigo smiled. He did smile. Shuhei was a mate, a mate with added touchy feely. The but was... that was all he felt.

Mates stood by one another. Helped each other out.

"You alright?" Shuhei asked with his eyes sparkling how they always did. Ichigo looked up to see that the concern he thought was directed at him, wasn't. He was just being a mate to someone else at that moment. Just a mate.

There was a solace in that though. It meant he could hold onto the pleasure and have none of the pain. He didn't have to break up and not see him again. One step back, one touch less, and they'd be normal mates. No harm done.

Ichigo threw the drink down his throat with one quick gasp and grimace.

"Hey steady on!" Shuhei's arm patted Ichigo on the back as he coughed at the alcohols strength. "What's eating you?"

"Nothing." Ichigo smiled back. "I'm just great." Ichigo looked out into the gathered souls mingling around the bar. His eyes met his dads who smiled and waved. Ichigo smiled back and looked at the captains he sat with. All in all, not a bad looking lot. Life was his for the picking and the choice was multifaceted. Yeah. It was all still good.

"Anything you like?" Was whispered into his ear.

"Maybe." Ichigo nodded and looked back.

"Go and have a drink then." Shuhei elbowed him. Ichigo looked at him and shrugged. When did they get to this point? It seemed that someone else beat him. "Honestly. Go for it."

"I can't just walk up to someone and drop a drink in their lap."

"Why not?"

"Because..." Ichigo looked at the face staring at him and frowned. "Have I ever thanked you?"

"For what?"

"Just being you." Ichigo hugged the guy. "Don't change will you?"

"You either tiger." Shuhei laughed and groped his arse. What the choker Captain didn't expect was his best friend to sit with his dad. He smiled to himself and downed a drink. All was right with the world. Some how they'd avoided a painful conversation and moved on quietly whilst still keeping each other as a safety blanket. Ichigo had been everything he needed to move on in his life and get onto a sure footing again. He'd be ever thankful to Ichigo and the way he'd helped him live again.

"...I felt the crash and the place burned around us..." The conversation was mid flow as Ichigo sat next to his dad but he not concerned that his presence would interrupt them. Like them he was out for a good night to chat and be relieved that the last battles hadn't taken their lives away. As captains they shouldered the responsibility of so many lives. Each of their subordinates had families that needed the income and military dwellings, so the urge to step in and protect was enormous. Each division – probably with the exception of the twelfth – was like an extended family.

The conversation drifted to an end and Isshin cast an arm over his sons shoulders.

"So hows love?"

"We're just friends." Ichigo shrugged, but Isshin could see that for once his son was fine about it. It warmed his insides to know that for once Ichigo hadn't been thrown out in the cold. "I'm cool about it." He added and the father and son grinned.

"How's the wedding coming on?" A well timed question from Hitsugaya threw Ichigo, but the look in the young looking captain's eyes showed he was his usual self evaluating people. The guy was a perpetual detective sending out feelers for information and letting it all settle quietly in his brain until the dots all joined into solid evidence.

"Its a pain." Isshin answered. "The girl is going to drain my remaining bank balance." Isshin laughed. "Still I aim to please and seeing her happy is a pleasure."

"How long is it now?"

"A while yet." Isshin was not the only one to watch his son swollow his last drink in one gulp.

"Another round?" Ichigo stood and looked around the captains. A few took him up on his offer, but Hitsugaya and Isshin refused with a wave of their half filled cups.

"I'll help you though." The snow white captain stood and gathered a few of the empties and walked beside Ichigo to the bar.

"You know if you're..." Ichigo began asking if the tiny teen was just aiming to stick the knife in further he might as well give up when the captain interrupted him.

"You know that your in love when it hits you and you let it tear you apart. You think its all over but you do it all over again."

"Or someone kindly slaps you in the face with it." Ichigo didn't hide his bitterness. Usually he got on well with Hitsugaya but tonight he wouldn't mind if he just jumped off a cliff. "Set us up again." Ichigo waved a few notes to the bartender who nodded and went to work wit a sake bottle. "I walked away from all that and I'm still trying, no harm in that you know." The white tufts waved as the shorter man shook his head.

"I feel my heart breaking." Ichigo turned ready to slap him for that snide comment but Hitsugaya held up a hand in defence, he hadn't finished yet. "But I can't deny... this complicated feeling..." Had he not already enjoyed several glasses himself, the snow teen would not have been voicing anything, but alcohol had loosened his tongue a little too much. "That I like you Kurosaki."


	5. Don't LooK Down

Ichigo + Hitsugaya (If you squint)

Ichigo sat with his feet dangling in a rather large koi pond watching the fish swim around his feet lazily now they'd got used to the idea that these strange shaped objects were not here to feed them. Ichigo's mind was wandering without care around his brain, enjoying this relaxed chill out as he waited for Rukia to get ready. Byakuya must have been in the house, but he'd heard nothing from inside the huge manor except the lilting sounds of ancient music; it was orchestral court music, the type that he'd been forced to endure in Japanese history classes. He could make out a lute and the rhythm of the small lap drum and of course the stringed koto. Unlike school where he had endured the music with cringing toes, he instead found himself drifting into a trance and the underlining story of lovers from opposing clans who cannot be together.

That then only took his active mind one one direction – Ishida Uryuu. Instead of still being angry with Ishida, he was beginning to realise that the man remained inside a very large part of his heart. He wondered if in other circumstances, if they'd not have still been together. The music filing his senses seemed to be about them, singing to him that his love for Ishida, as a Quincy he was therefore from a forbidden clan; the results were obvious, his father had seen to their separation.

Although the choice of Yuzu was still probably a bit irritating to the bastard, she was after all from shinigami blood and a Kurosaki to boot. Serves him right.

In all his years protecting his family from Hollows of varying power, Ichigo still didn't know what to make of the new pairing. He was confused over his feels as the wedding was looming closer and closer and in some way or other he was expected to be there. That idea hurt. Standing in the background in ghost mode watching the love of his life wed his sister wasn't going to be easy.

All this sitting around daydreaming wasn't helping him. It gave his mind too much freedom to think and no doubt his hollow was laughing his head off for throwing ideas into his mind he wouldn't have thought of. If he kept busy in his division, he seemed able to function like a normal shinigami. He fooled himself and everyone else most of the time that he was fine. For all they knew it had been long enough for him to get over all his failures, but each one just led him back in a circle to missing Ishida; his first for everything.  
He was trying, always had been, to mend his broken heart. It seemed that it just didn't want to be mended, although it was quite happy to fool him at times, just to let him crash and burn another. Yes, it was quite happy lingering in the stabs of regret and misery that captured it each night when the light went out or when his tired body needed another to snuggle up to. He might have got used to Ishida never being around, but that wasn't the same as wishing with a deep longing that he was still under the covers with him, glasses folded on the side and peacefully dreaming on the far side of the bed. Too many times he'd rolled that way or reached out an arm and found the sheets cold much to his dismay. He'd forgive Uryuu anything to have him back. Anything at all. Is it possible to do that? Had anyone ever achieved it? Were humans able to rekindle relations with lost and broken lovers and get their love back or was it a hopeless dream just for torturing broken souls?  
As the fish darted away at the arrival of footsteps and a shadow on the path casting over the water, Ichigo's mind strengthened it's layers of masking and fell into the action of having walked away from his history. Ichigo. He was Ichigo, young, free and single well single-_ish._ Part of him was owned by all his friends and another would always be at his families side, but the rest of him, that bit that was meant to be with that pale haired taicho of the 10th, really really still belonged to the infuriating know-it-all called Uryuu. After all he'd had long enough to pretend, give him a few more years and he might well forget that he wanted to be somewhere/someone else.  
Give it time, wasn't that what everyone said. Give it time. You'll be alright. Just give it time.  
Ichigo turned his head and looked at the tall noble glaring at him. He most definitely should not have his feet where they were. He turned lifting his feet, plucking them from the water.

"Byakuya?"

The cold deep voice spoke back "Have you polluted the water with those feet?" Ichigo just shrugged and once his footwear was in place, stood to face the man still head and shoulders above him. "How do you do it?"

The man's eyebrows rose in a question. "Do what?"

"Learn to live without someone?" After all who else would know than this perpetually grieving husband? Ichigo watched the face soften to something he hadn't seen before and watched the beautiful man look upward towards the skies.

"You don't look down." He answered simply and walked away. "Rukia is waiting for you."

Ichigo watched the subtle emotions drift across the face that never usually showed anything else but the rage spectrum and fleetingly drift into pain and remembrance. It was clear then that when anyone had lost someone they were so devoted to, they were constantly reminded of their lost love and just by keeping their head up high, they hoped in some way to avoid the ravages of the gaping hole in their spirit.

"And Kurosaki?" The noble had stopped several paces ahead and turned. Ichigo looked up at him and stopped beside him, waiting for the profound words of advice. "It is never a case of replacement. That is a mathematical impossibility. You'd do well to avoid that trap in the future."

With a swish of robes he was gliding down the path towards the house and Ichigo found himself unable to follow. The two famous antagonists had come to some mental connection of understanding and Ichigo finally understood the coldness in Byakuya's heart. He still cared for his wife, his lonely near sixty years, was just that, lonely.

...

Ichigo sighed again. Laying here wasn't doing him any good either. A belly full of alcohol and he still couldn't sleep more than a light doze. That brief talk with Byakuya had had him distracted all night and he couldn't help but not want to turn out like the sixth captain. It wasn't what he'd ever wanted for his life. But then accepting that he was a soul destined to always lose the people he loved maybe was part of the process.

He leaned over to his side table and flicked the small lamp on. It gave out nothing more than a candles worth of a light, but it was enough to stop the swell of darkness threatening his mind.  
He looked over at the shape of the lump in the covers and the motionless body of his current boyfriend. Sprays of white hair cascaded over the pillow and his dainty hands sat on top of the covers. There was someone who made frostiness his business. Loyal, intelligent, diligent but cold. They'd never held each other close after sex. Never held hands, nor even kissed outside the bedroom in the midst of passion.

Even being hurt by Uryuu that day had felt more alive. This was a dead but convenient relationship. The respect Ichigo had for the boy come captain had lessened slightly due to his lack of anything special that was just theirs. This was only a way to relieve tension. Ichigo could do that himself in the bathroom.

He squeezed his eyes close as tears that hadn't fallen for some time pricked painfully at his eyes. He threw back the covers and stepped out of the bed to stumble tiredly towards the pile of clothing that was his and scramble into them. His reiatsu barged against this tight barrier wanting to lash out with the pain he was feeling and let the world know what was happening inside him, but he held it in close. A doorway separated him from the 10th office and he slipped through to find a brush and leave a note on the captains desk.

_Sorry, I can't do this any more. _

Ichigo didn't go home, he instead found himself sitting on the riverbank with thoughts of his mother and Ishida. The night wasn't terribly warm and he huddled his legs closer to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around them. The tree trunk at his rear supported him and protecting his back from the lack of a body holding him. All this exploration of his heart, left Ichigo feeling colder inside than out. His hollow was strangely quite and allowing him to brood. Was that why he was able to realise things that his hollow had probably known for a lot longer. After enough thoughts thrown at him by the devious albino, he could finally allow himself the time to sift through them and conclude how much he still cared about his first ever love. In truth that love probably hadn't been anything but a little dented but still as strong as it ever was.  
Had Ichigo ever hurt Uryuu and forced him into his drastic actions? Had he ever done something so bad that he needed to seek out another pair of arms. Female arms.

I guess that dying well before he should was enough. The pressure from Ishida senior must have been pretty tough too, not that anything had ever been mentioned. In his defence though, Ichigo had never thought of Uryuu as hell bent on status that he'd ditch his own life for his fathers ideals of success. The old git must be a smug bastard right now having achieved all his ambitions.  
None of that would ever have made Ichigo forgo Ishida in a role reversal. He would have stood by him and demanded to live his own life, but then Isshin had always been good at letting him do just that. They'd shared enough respect for each other that never once had Isshin nagged or moaned about his teen escapades. Although maybe once a while Ichigo might have liked to know he cared that much. '_Hey son, I'd rather you didn't go get yourself killed_', sort of thing.

There was no escaping from the fact that the wedding was going ahead as planned. Isshin had spent enough time in the real world advising his daughter and talking to Ishida. The smug bastard had been paying for the best of everything so that the whole of Karakura knew his son was _not_ gay and getting married.  
Way way into the future, Ichigo knew that one day, Uryuu was going to cross the pearly gates and stand back here in Soul Society and probably with immediate promotion into the divisions. At least at the moment Ichigo could do his pretend act without worrying he'd actually pass him in the street, but what then? What about when he died too?  
"That's why I've got to hold on and remember who I am again." Ichigo spoke to his knees. "This has gotta get better." He mused. "Gotta." He laid his head down on the knobbly bone of his kneecap and closed his eyes to savour the memory of his smiling mother. She'd hold his hand, hug him and make it all right. Nothing could ever hurt him when she was around. He could almost imagine her arms around him now gently rocking him to sleep. Her soft kiss on his brow and her sweet scent wrapping him in comfort.

Isshin found his son by tracing the leaking tendrils of anguish. He was glad he'd fine tuned his senses just on the taste of Ichigo's energy. However much the boy thought he was locking everything in tight, as his father, he always knew. He landed silently from his flashstep and took in the sight of the balled up body against the willow tree. Quite what had set him off this time, he didn't need to know, but he could guess. As he walked silently closer, he found Ichigo had fallen asleep and so he tucked himself around his shape and although Ichigo gave off mumbles, he didn't stir as he was lifted up and swept away towards home.

The smell of home and the familiar waft of family filled Ichigo's senses. It was comforting and he allowed it to seep through him as a band aid for his ailments. All he needed was a little time to set himself back on track and let the memories settle to the back of his mind again. He had to accept that he loved Ishida Uryuu and with that as his cushion he'd learn to walk a 'single's' path with his head held high. He wouldn't look down again willingly.  
"Ichiiiiigooooooooo!" The voice and sound of _that_ voice were suddenly in his ears and he listened to the speed of its arrival, no doubt with a well aimed kick. Evasively he rolled towards the idiot of his father and using shinigami speed matched the foot heading for his face and caught it with one hand. A flick of his wrist and the old man flipped over his head and out the first floor window. _Just like old times._ Ichigo smiled and looked out the window to see his father sitting in a heap rubbing his head, but nothing could shake that pathetic grin from his face.

"My son! Years of training see what it does for you! Your mother would be proud."

"Yeah yeah goat face, just hurry up and make breakfast." Ichigo laughed.

Ichigo tightened his obi and looked around his fathers room. He tutted realising that the scent from last night hadn't been his mother, but his dad and he sighed. "Stupid goat face."

Stupid goat face had prepared eggs and was plating it up as the ginger headed son entered the room to sit at the small table.

"Yo." He nodded to the man and smelt the air. "Smells good." The plate arrived in front of him and the familiarity of home swelled his determination. Where ever home was, he might not have his mother, but he'd always had his dad and in his own insane way, he'd given Ichigo a solid place to retreat to when everything got too much. He tucked into the warm yellow scramble and felt a warmth inside him from his dad's presence.

Ichigo knew that he didn't need to look down, he didn't need to let the shadows of his past swallow him if he just stayed close to his family. How could he ever be lonely when he had family that always put him back on his feet. This was who he was, Kurosaki Ichigo, son of Isshin. This was his cure.  
"Alright?" Isshin grinned eating his own eggs.

"Yeah." Ichigo smiled.

"Good cos there's a mountain of paperwork in the office and I'm not doing it."


	6. Grace

6 - Ichigo + Byakuya

Grace

Byakuya was strolling the midnight streets of Seireitei enjoying the calm of seeing no more people than the odd sentry on watch. He liked this time of night, the calm and peace was at one with his mind. Inside he craved such a life where he could wander aimlessly in an almost desolate location. To live in perpetual silence amusing no one but himself.

His footsteps were his only companion and they echoed through the white stone buildings confirming his solitude. He sighed and looked up at the array of stars above him, the passing of a bat on its errands and the sight of the half moon shining its blessing on his darkened path. He smiled, faintly, but it was there just as a flicker on his face. Of late he'd been troubled and this was a welcome break from the unusual source of his stress. His conversation with Ichigo, brief as it was troubled him. Kurosaki Fukutaichou was not a person he expected to find looking so forlorn and distant. His eyes pained and troubled. Then that question of all questions. _How do you learn to live without someone you love? _That may have not been his fully stated question, but it was its essence. Byakuya's whole composure had nearly faltered at the surge of emotions and Byakuya had been surprised to find that he wanted to give the young man some form of comfort, even though he couldn't afford it for himself. Just how did he go on each day? He'd never thought about how he did it, he just did. Voicing it into a direction the red head could follow was hard. One simply lives each day as it happens, moving onwards always onwards. Looking back brings nothing but pain. Keep you head held high, move with grace and certainty and don't give yourself time to think.

The fates brought Byakuya to a strange halt. The said individual was ahead of him standing by the ominous Senkaimon as if he was waiting for something. He was not at ease, his body was twitching in a manner signalling some distress by tapping his fingers together, his feet against the floor and nervous swipes of his tongue over his lips. Byakuya held back a moment assessing the situation. The boy looked left time and time again, each failed sighting of who ever was coming made his nervous actions more prominent to the point the boy bounded off his spot and began to pace back and forth in front of the gate, its sentry guards eyeing him with suspicion.

There was a trip obviously to the real world about to begin, but Byakuya knew not of any missions the youth would be sent on. He'd done his due to his home town. The captain, found he had shifted without knowing into the shadows to watch how the males body moved under the towns lights.

His vision it seemed had gained a new clarity as he watched. Instead of just seeing the red headed kid who'd once been an irritation beyond measure, now looked like a candidate for closer inspection. His features had matured and become quite striking, Byakuya had known, but not acknowledged that fact to himself before. It was as if he was a predator getting deadlier everyday, drawing in his prey with his stunning looks just like the female lure of the Kingfisher.

Just what would have him so anxious and waiting at this hour? Had his terrible social life gone out of control again? Rukia had told him many a tale on Ichigo's life. He pitied his bad luck, maybe it was no wonder the boy looked so troubled the other day. Was he the only one Ichigo had asked the question? Was he the only one who could understand what ailed the young man? If so, then who could his heart be so attached to? The noble thought a moment before his mind singled out all of Rukia's ramblings. Ishida Uryuu. Of course the wedding was due tomorrow, both Kurosaki's had asked for leave during a previous meeting. The strides up and down seemed to make sense now as did his agitation.

Rukia had seemed to think that her friend was fine now, free of all emotional ties to the groom. But Byakuya could see that plainly he was not. Like his own grief, his family had chosen at which point he was supposed to be 'over it', he'd never had a say in the matter. Ichigo's friends had assumed wrongly that the younger man was ready to face the world when clearly he was as much troubled now as he must have been in the past. Not one close companion had ever willingly admitted they could see the signs of Ichigo's ongoing turmoil.  
Instead they'd encouraged and pushed him into relationships that were all doomed before they had started, understandably too. He hadn't had a chance to breath from one failed lover to the next. Being busy didn't mean burying your head and ignoring your own inner wisdom. That is where a nobles grace gave Byakuya a distinct advantage. It was simply inappropriate to behave in such a frivolous manner, suitors provided or not, Byakuya had been able to slowly accept his loneliness and sink with decorum into a silent world of few words. Instead the poor creature had been forced to lie and snag what affection he could. He'd given out false smiles and taken any pleasure offered like a drug smoothing over a headache.

It was a shame he'd had to live in such a way. Byakuya felt some amount of guilt for not recognising the symptoms earlier. He could empathise and offer more comfort than most and probably in a manner that was more suited to his needs. No more falling for the trap of sweet talking no hopers who'd say the words Kurosaki needed to hear, but mean nothing behind them. He wouldn't have to put up with the draw to people he'd assume could deliver him some peace but instead haunted his soul, hurting and lying to him. No more fading away into a being far removed for the Kurosaki Ichigo they'd all worshipped after the war.

Oh Byakuya could see it all now. How the man had withered away, his soul whittled to almost nothing but a vibrant orange shell. Ichigo had fallen a long way down into the blackness of little self esteem and hope. He was stuck climbing the walls with nothing to help his ascent but his own fingernails and they were all bitten down to the quick. Inside a mind at that time, it was always cold, bitter and lonely. Fear headed you off at every turn and your own lies began to sound like truths. Byakuya knew, he'd been there.

Ichigo needed a life line to head him out of trouble.

The dark haired noble stepped back into the light intent on speaking with the red head before he faced Ishida and offer some kind of relief.

Before he took another step a shadow appeared in the darkness to the boys left, a large dark figure barrelled the boy almost to the floor, limbs flew and angry punches were exchanged. Byakuya stood on his toes ready to jump in, but the boy stood dusting himself down and shouted at the slumped figure at his feet.

"Stupid old man!" He delivered a kick to his assailants stomach. "What kind of father are you!"

"One that sees you're ready for any attack!" Byakuya tutted at the familiar voice getting to his feet. "Come on son, lets get this over with." With a large arm thrown over the boys shoulder, the two men entered the tunnel and were gone.

Byakuya felt the unusual rousing of worry in his stomach and shook his head. He didn't let it fester, and pushed it back where it lurked normally and headed off home. Foiled this time, but he wouldn't fail at the next.


	7. Free My Mind

Ichigo + Ishida

Free My Mind

For two people to suddenly appear from the dead would have been a little too surreal for some of the guests and visitors to the elaborate Ishida wedding. Hailed as the wedding of the century of course, lavish didn't come close and no detail skipped the wedding planners eye. Well nothing that is except two dead guys that didn't thankfully appear from their tomb.

It would have been terribly inconvenient for the father and brother of the bride to appear before their family members, after all they remembered burying them not three years ago. Still in respect for the dead, it had been planned that a seat be left for Isshin and Ichigo as if they were able to attend, even food was placed in their settings and words of comfort were given in the speeches for the sake of the bride and non-believers as if had they been there, Ichigo and his father after all would be very proud of the woman Yuzu had turned into. Ryuken had enjoyed a laugh from the crowd when he produced a speech_ he_ wrote '_as if Isshin had written it himself for just this occasion_'. It was natural for a bride to cry at this point the families reasoned and her soft words of thanks to an empty chair passed without any comments. Of course none of them saw the real man sitting there grinning like a Cheshire cat.

For Yuzu it meant the world that her father, even in his spirit form attended. Sitting next to his daughter holding her hand and marvelling how beautiful she looked, Isshin really did feel proud. It didn't bother him at all that everyone ignored him, minus a nod from the grooms father and of course the words of thanks from the groom to an apparently empty chair for having Yuzu during his speech.

Ishida however was having a totally different day. Yuzu had never been privy to the fact that her newly wed husband had had a long relationship with her brother, so she was a little miffed when he refused to include his old friend in his speech. Uryuu, was uncomfortable with the presence of Ichigo, it wasn't as if it was possible to hide from the guy after all. His reiatsu was leaking all over the place and Ishida was had been drowning in self pity for the nostalgic feel it gave him. He would have rather not been reminded just how sweet that once had felt. He tried all he could not to even look at Ichigo, even if the said bastard was glaring at him for the entire ceremony and wedding breakfast.

Now the evening was getting under way, Ichigo stood arms crossed leaning against a pillar, hating the world and the freedom the living souls had. His father was off with Ishida senior having a manly chat about something and Ichigo felt alone. His sister was dancing happily with her new husband and for some reason the poor devil was sweating rather heavily.

"Oi, give it a rest." The older voice of his other sister Karin reached his ears with a nudge to his side.

"Give what rest?" He tried to look innocent.

"Your smothering Uryuu with reiatsu."

"Me?" He smirked pointing to his chest. "I don't have any control over my leaking energy."

"No, you didn't when you were alive. But you do now you're very much dead. Very good control apparently that you can direct it at a single individual. Lay off the poor sod."

"Give me one reason why I should go easy on the bastard." He huffed and wrapped his energy back around himself. Ishida obviously noted the change and looked in their direction.

"You're not still sore with him after all this time?"

"Karin." Ichigo looked his sister squarely in the eye and she looked up to his towering height.

"What?"

"Shut up."

"Give him a break. He'll look after her. He'll do it because of you you know and what you two meant. Don't you see its a sign that he'll do what you can't any more. He still cares about you."

"Funny way of showing it. Comes to me one day, has a shag and then announces his getting married to not just someone else, but my own little sister!"

"He has to keep living, we all do. You want us to be miserable for ever just because you aren't here any more? You died, unfair or not, you did. Get over it."

"Karin, you always think you know everything. But on this one, you are way off the mark. Anyhow, if your finished lecturing me, I'm outta here." Ichigo hardly ever spoke to either of his sisters like this, even if sometimes Karin did deserve it. The darker haired girl shrugged with a roll of her eyes and watched her brother slink out of the room. Not a moment later, it seemed that Uryuu also needed some fresh air.

"Ichigo!" Ichigo cursed for not being able to just disappear unnoticed. He stopped, turned from the gate he'd opened and looked back at the man he'd once promised his eternity to.

"I don't wanna hear it Ishida. Go back in before they miss you."

"I've missed you." The usually proud man seemed a little uncomfortable and Ichigo gloated that it served him right.

"Yeah? You think I fucking care about that? Look don't mind fuck me all over again Ishida. I'm just about sorting myself out now."

"I heard you got over me pretty quickly actually." Was that a sneer? A SNEER!

"Don't believe everything you hear. I thought you were smarter than that."

"I guess I wanted to believe it. To make all this easier." Ishida seemed felt it was wise to take the defensive stance after his ex-lover openly fisted his hands and carried the look of promised death should he continue to paint himself as the victim.

"I've been just peachy thanks." Ichigo took his turn to sneere. "My mind is free of you. I've learnt to run and avoid anything you meant to me, so don't get all het up that my mind is filled with you. In fact, that's why I came, to prove to myself that I've done just that, _freed my mind of you_. Good riddance too."

"I know what I did was wrong." Ishida pushed his glasses up his nose and then fidgeted with his hands, he really was way out of his comfort zone.

"I don't wanna know Ishida. Save it for someone who cares."

"Please, I know the you of old would have listened and forgiven me. This doesn't suit you at all. Not all this hostility and bitterness."

"Well take a look you'll see another me. A new me. One you made."

"I'm mistaken then." Ishida turned to go back inside and Ichigo hated the way his guts had been churning all this time. It was so hard not to just try at forgiving and having one last hold. One last hug and a nice goodbye. Instead his anger was boiling over, the prick thought he could just walk away and all was well. Well it wasn't alright at all, it was far from all fucking right.  
"That's it back to daddy like a good little boy Uryuu. You didn't get what you wanted with me hey? Does that make walking around that fine big hospital seem a little empty hey? You always swore you'd never turn out like your father and yet here you are repeating history and letting him walk right over you. Well I hope your happy Ishida, you deserve a life of fucking shit, for acting like such a loser." The dark haired man had stopped and was listening even if he kept his back turned on his old flame. Yes he did deserve all that Ichigo could throw at him, he had cheated and lied and betrayed him badly. It was empty and shallow of him to give in so easily to his fathers demands and the reward didn't compensate for what he had lost.

Ichigo seemed happy to let his mouth run on and on with insults that were just so close to the truth of the matter. "Stop Trying to apologise, no one else to blame for what happened, just you. What you did to me, I'll never forgive, I've been down for so long now, down on my knees too many times over how much you hurt me. But everything has to end and you're nothing now but a distant memory. I'm ready to move on and gain the future you stole. Find someone new who won't ever hurt me. Everything has to change and it has, but you take a part of me, the best of me and ruined it. I'll hate you for eternity now." Ishida nodded and drew his head up to look into the room of dancers, he couldn't bare to look back as Ichigo and see the pain he knew he'd see. It was safer to look in at the young woman in her wedding dress and hope for a better future for himself.  
"I know the mistakes I've made were too much Ichigo and if you're saying goodbye, then you'll at least I hope forgive me for holding on to life? I'll start again with Yuzu, don't worry about her, I'll never make the same mistake again. I'll look after her how I should have done with you. You know, you take a part of me too Ichigo...Yeah, the best part. I'm different I guess, different from when you were alive, but being without you was... it was hard. You died and left me behind and I felt betrayed by you for leaving me here, I know that doesn't really excuse me...Goodbye Ichigo." With a purposeful step forward, Ishida's silhouette moved from the darkness into the light of the hall and Ichigo felt a chill wind pass right through him.

He hadn't wanted to say any of that, but he did. But maybe he meant it. Maybe he needed to say it just so that everything could become the distant memory he wanted it to be and not the fresh open wound it currently was.

"Yeah. Everything has to end. Goodbye Ishida." He let a tendril of his energy just reach out to feel at the flavour that the Quincy carried. Ishida turned just for that moment and the two caught each others eyes.

"Bye." Ishida mouth to which Ichigo nodded. The shinigami turned quickly into the waiting gate with the patient butterfly and headed home.

It wasn't until he stepped back into the quiet night of soul society did he realise two things.

One he was crying...

and two...

He'd opened the gate into Kuchiki's grounds.


	8. Changes

Ichigo + Byakuya

Changes

"Kurosaki?" That deep voice was only been a step behind Ichigo. Another realisation hit the boy that this had happened on purpose. It just wasn't possible to open the gates inside such a well guarded home. Byakuya Kuchiki was manipulating the situation. Of late, since their chat by the pond, he'd been like a stalker always turning up or staring at him during meetings. There were not many places Ichigo went that he didn't see the long dark hair and silver adornments. Panic filled the younger man, he didn't want to be seen like this, weak and vulnerable with his heart right out on his sleeve. He tried to mentally shake himself alert, to start running and running inside himself – keep his head high. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing.

"People say..." Byakuya's deep voice again filled the still and silent night. "...don't even go near you. You are an unknown entity. Will you turn hollow and pounce? That contrarily is what some people like about you, the thrill and excitement of not knowing what will happen...Kenpachi, tried to drag it out of you, but apparently you were disappointing." There seemed something amiss. Byakuya might have hardly ever been kind to Ichigo but he never went out of his way to taunt him like this. This was just cruel. Instead of running like he wanted to, his battered mind couldn't find the strength to bolt. He stood rooted to the spot whilst Byakuya rounded on him. He flinched as a cold hand reached up and touched the damp tears, the steel eyes watching intently the play of emotions run rapidly across the younger man's face. "I can see the danger. I'm aware of the risks. I see the danger in trying to find something I thought was lost to me. To you to." Ichigo's breath hitched, his heart raced and his mind froze too as the tall man bent and bestowed the softest kiss on his lips he'd ever had. "But I find myself drawn to you." He tipped his head sideways. "You have noticed have you not that I have been watching you?"

Ichigo could only nod, he couldn't quite believe that instead of teasing, in his own way, the captain was trying to make a connection between them both.

Byakuya sighed, his plan seemed to be backfiring, he never intended to make the lieutenant fearful. "I had wanted to speak before you left."

"Please..." Ichigo's strangled voice broke from his lips. "I just..."

"Need to escape? Need to find somewhere to hide?" The boy nodded. Byakuya gestured his home behind them. "Then allow me."

"No...I..."

"You will find no solace in your rooms. Nothing but pain awaits you when you step inside your home."

"I'm not good company." Ichigo tried to move aside and leave but Byakuya took his wrist and stopped him.

"The pain won't stop whilst you cling so dearly to it." He tutted as the boy's face began to leak a fresh. He reached into his robes and brought out a white crisp handkerchief. With gentle dabs he wiped each cheek, repeating the action as they continued to dampen. "Your grief won't comfort you in the dark. It won't understand your tears." Slender fingers grasped his chin and forced his brown eyes to look into the nobles. "I wish to be the one that frees you of this burden Ichigo."

It was seldom that Ichigo could ever recall his name being spoken so tenderly and never that he'd seen such open emotion and need in this brash man. "Is it too much to want to be held whist you cry?"

"What..." Ichigo stumbled over his words. "What do you want from me?"

"Nothing but what you offered others. Nothing but what you wished they'd return. But instead of the shallowness of your previous relationships, I want something more lasting, whole..._everlasting_." The last word was just a whisper and it carried the nobles own troubles with it. He bent again, almost to kiss but held back. "Am I unworthy? If you do not desire me..." He went to pull away but found that he was encased in the long limbs of a sobbing young adult.

Ichigo was powerless to stop himself being whisked into the confines of Byakuya's arms and in turn his private rooms. There the lord laid him the bed and just held him as the days emotions ran their course. It should have felt weird, uncomfortable even, but it didn't. The one man who seemed to have no emotions in this reality showed enough compassion to make up for all of the troubles in Ichigo's life. He soothed his brow, rocked and comforted him like no other had. It didn't matter that it took until the birth of a new morning for Ichigo to live through the torment that had been troubling his heart. Byakuya bore witness to it all with patience, empathy and even gratitude. He couldn't tire of baring his sole to someone he respected.

"I'm sorry." Were Ichigo's only words and it was surprising to Byakuya that the words were said to him. There was nothing Ichigo had to be sorry for. Not even this, being here and letting his heart pour out its poison. No Byakuya wanted Ichigo to rid himself of the venom that was Ishida Uryuu.

"Don't say that to me." He whispered. "Don't be sorry. Show me your hands." He took the younger man's left hand and looked carefully at the palms. He looked over digit and tip before bringing the palm to his lips and kissing the pad of each finger one by one. Then his lips settled on the palms that should Orihime have not healed so well would have been tainted by faint lines of battles of old. "Show me your scars." The noble whispered again, kissed the palm yet again before shifting in the bed until his body leant down over the boy and his tender soft lips caressed the drying eye lid of each eye. "Show me where it hurts." He murmured, drifting his kisses down the length of the slender nose, chin and throat. "Show me the wounds, the cuts, the trails, that lead back to where it happened first. Where you were first hurt so much." The kissing went on, lingering over the opening of his robes and Byakuya let the beat of the frantic heart vibrate through his sensitive lips. He wanted to make it race with thoughts of him, not memories of betrayals and loss. "If I go back once again." Ichigo's fingers swept into the long dark hair draping over his chest. The lips on him were draining his pain away and bringing out a new longing. But could he do it again? Could he ever hope that for once, just this once, it would be the last time? "If I go and have another relationship...It's like I learned nothing." He wanted to avoid the pain of breaking up, being betrayed and hurt.

"I only wanna see you." Byakuya's fingers pressed the clothing off the young man's shoulders. His kisses left butterfly sensations all over Ichigo's skin and he felt the fire of want and hunger building all to quickly. He didn't need the seductive promise Byakuya was whispering to him. "I only want to know, who you really are. The real Kurosaki Ichigo. The you you hide." He breathed over the kiss damp skin which began to flush hotter and twitch beneath the caring strokes and ministrations.

" But its like...Standing at the front of a queue heading for trouble. I don't wanna hurt again..." Ichigo tried to fight the rising tide inside him. It threatened to rise up and wash over him, soaking him in wanton dirty lust.  
"The worst that could happen had already happened." Byakuya leaned back to the boys lips, feeling the first writhing undulations as his body began to give in to the promises his lips had offered. "I'll tell you mine. I'll tell you my fears..." Their eyes locked and quiet moments passed. "I got close before, I loved her dearly. Since then, there has been others I would have desired had I let myself...But I turned back every time. Stayed lonely. Stayed where I thought I was safe." Their noses were tip to tip, gently enjoying the slight pressure as they rubbed against each other. Their breaths lingering over their moist lips. Their eyes sweeping each other and finding it didn't hurt to know that they had felt the same pains and worries. "It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do." Ichigo nodded. He knew, that's why he was so scared; emotional pain stung worse than any sword. Byakuya's fingers were off again and this time, Ichigo's shoulders shrugged to allow his torso to be fully revealed. His skin burned and twitched as the nimble fingers of a graceful hand skimmed over the smooth hairless surface. Thumbs teased hardening nipples and the nail flicked the erect flesh before twisting it lightly. A light soft moan left Ichigo's parted lips and Byakuya couldn't turn away from them. His tongue swept inside tasting the essence that was Kurosaki Ichigo. Their flavours mingled and harmonised. Mouth to mouth, clamped together, they knew this was their last hope and there was no going back now. To save themselves they had to throw themselves to the mercy of the cliff called love. They had to jump into the void from its edge and do nothing to break their fall It would be easy to imagine almost making it, almost reaching their goal but then finding themselves alone again. But they couldn't afford that half measure. Another broken heart would be a shard to many and they'd never rise again.

Byakuya pulled back, to breath and he watched Ichigo panting beneath him, his hard shaft pressing into his stomach. His rolled his torso adding friction to the engorged head leaving the boy gasping and panting out his next words. "Is this all you're gonna give me..." It couldn't just be sex. Not now. Not ever again.  
"Is that all you wanna take?" After all Byakuya had his own worries too. He needed some confirmation too. "Because that's just not enough." He ground on, holding back his own moan as they brushed tip to clothed tip and sent spirals of heat bursting up their innards. "So tell me...Tell my I'm yours and I'll tell you're mine." He groaned having to bury his head in the boys neck to inhale the soft scent his heated body was giving off.  
"Hope it changes..." Ichigo grunted out as the man on top of him forced a hand between them to grasp them both in his large hand. "Hope my life changes." He arched upwards at the slow rise and fall as Byakuya began to pump them towards their impending release.  
"All that you've been is out of luck..." Byakuya's dark hair trailed over Ichigo's face, his hands reached up to wrap around the broad shoulder and hold him as close as he could. He wanted skin, he wanted to touch and feel this death God. He pressed the white cloak and black fabric from the strong shoulder blades and revelled in the wondrous pale skin beneath his hands. That may have gone on for a long time, but your future is still ahead of you." If this treatment continued, they would be spent soon and wishing they hadn't peaked before agreeing something more solid. "So there's nothing much to lose."

"Nothing to loose." Ichigo echoed. He agreed with what was being said. His dreams of a happy ever after seemed to be within his grasp. For once he could do this right, with the right person. It could be alright, tomorrow was looking so much better than yesterday. Okay maybe he had just been out of luck, falling at the wrong time with the wrong people. But this.. this felt so good. His back arched as his mouth broke into a pained cry of orgasm. The damp fabric stuck to his abdomen as Byakuya panted with a broken pace his own seed splurged inside his clothes and he fell onto Ichigo's chest with a long sigh of contentment.

The sky shone in through the window, the pinkness of a new dawn lit the room and the sweaty occupants. Calmness was restored. Together they lay, side by side, watching the first days clouds drifting through a windy sky. Trees bent and bowed to the new day and it felt just perfect to be there together.

"It's peaceful here." Ichigo smiled looking at his tired partner. There was none of the noise that division barracks had as the hundreds of men began their morning ablutions. No father raging in with a well timed kick or swipe of his sword. No servant who didn't know better barging in and spoiling the best start a morning could have.

"Happier?" Ichigo was startled by the question, but he could answer it honestly with a nod of his head and smile. He reached up to the ebony tresses that sat in a mess around the incredible face of a open hearted Kuchiki. Somehow, Ichigo always knew that Byakuya would look amazing first thing in the morning. His fingers wanted to play with the long strands and he wound them around his fingers earning a smile from his bed companion.  
"I will worship you." Byakuya breathed heavily. "And always let you know your beautiful." His lips were pressed forward so easily now as if it was second nature to the pair. They pressed their bodies close again and tried to remember the feel of each other; they just knew for once, they'd have a long time to commit it all to memory.

And they all lived happily ever after!

The End.


End file.
